Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.