You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive