*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees