[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.