Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
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My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.