Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.