Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for