Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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Thursday Thought.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time