“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place