Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m not stressed
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?