Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
cyclists
Whoa 😂
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
…żyje?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’m giving up for Lent.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.