My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Ha.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I had to Stop for this
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.