*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
#math
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌