we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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nice challenge
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
what are they serving at kfc then???
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.