stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero