“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.