moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
👾👾👾
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Pigeon open mic night.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I like long walks away from everyone
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
New Tinder profile.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.