Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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Dammit Chief not again
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.