Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.