My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
that de-escalated quickly
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.