Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?