My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie