Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
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[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.