Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
This made me chuckle.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”