Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.