Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
bought wrong eggs