[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”