Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Check out the legs on this baby
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.