You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Harsh but fair
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
peeping toms
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow