Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
New Tinder profile.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*