[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”