It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama