ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
the clam before the storm
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook