Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.