good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.