My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
You Might Also Like
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My dog learned how to text
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?