[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
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Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
😍😂🥰😂😍
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning