Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?