keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.