What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
White parent Vs Arab parents
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My neck my back my allergy attack
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.