[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
And then there were 4
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Wednesday
Somebody call the cops.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches