I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.