My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
uh oh
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury