when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
You Might Also Like
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space