Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…