Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Is your wife single?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
The first matador
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Need WebMD
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?