Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.