Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
when you don’t want to be too vague
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”