My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right