gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”